How to go from "friendly and helpful" to "whacked out and creepy" in 5 seconds

I am still working on posts to fill in last week and this week, but this is too weird to not share it right away.

This morning I went on a tour of the Britax plant in Charlotte, NC. Levi stayed with my grandmother at her house and I took Jonas with me in the sling since he is nursing and I didn't have enough milk pumped for him to leave him behind too. The original plan was to go on the tour with a CPST friend of mine and then go out to lunch together afterward, but my friend had to cancel because of a death in the family, so it was just me and Jonas. I decided to just drive back and pick up fast food (yuck) for lunch .

I went to a Taco Bell, and had Jonas in his infant car seat and my big diaper bag with me, so the cashier cooed and chatted to the baby for a minute and then after I paid she offered to bring my food out to me since I had my hands full. I said thank you and got situated, and then she brought out my food and talked to the baby a little more and made comments about his pretty blue eyes, etc. She asked how old he was and I told her he was 3 months. She said she thought he was more like 6 or 7 months because he looked "strong and experienced." Kind of a weird way to phrase things, but I smiled and said thank you and she left me to eat my food. I finished eating and the same cashier saw me heading for the door and came out from behind the counter to open it for me, since there was nobody in line at the moment. I thanked her again, and then things got weird.

As I went to put the baby in the car, the cashier said to me, "He prefers the little boys over little girls, I can tell. You can see from his history that he likes them better. (Looking at the baby. You like the little boys, don't you?" Um, whoa... I have NO IDEA what in the world prompted her to say that, but it seemed to be with the implication that he liked little boys in "that" way. I could not have been more thankful to be 3 feet from my car and leaving the crazy lady behind. What.the.heck? I think my eyes about bugged out of my head. What a weird, random, gross, and totally CREEPY thing to say!

Where did my happy baby go?

TMI warning if you don't want to read about breastfeeding and birth.

Levi was an extremely intense baby that was only happy if he was in someone's arms and in motion. He cried a LOT. It wasn't colic or gas or any physical discomfort - he could be consoled, but it required every ounce of energy I had to carry him around all day long while I bounced to keep him happy. He would NOT sleep by himself, ever, so he slept on me for all of his naps and overnight for over a year and a half. When he was happy, he was intensely happy, but it would flip off like a light switch and he'd be melting down. When Jonas was born, I was terrified of another high-needs baby, but was so relieved to find that he was very laid back. He would let us put him down for naps, and was content to just sit in his swing or bouncy seat and watch the world go by. He only cried when he needed to eat, or when he was put in his car seat and we didn't get moving soon enough, and he smiled a lot. He was my happy baby.

That all changed over the last few weeks. My happy baby has been fussy a lot, has not napped well during the day, and instead of being smiley and happy after eating, he is angry and screechy. Because of severe issues I had nursing Levi, including an almost 2 month period where he didn't gain any weight and I didn't know it, I have been weighing Jonas at least weekly to make sure he doesn't stop gaining weight too. He had slowed down to a little slower than I was comfortable with, but then had a good gain a few weeks ago and I thought I was in the clear and didn't need to worry. But he hasn't gained anything at all since then, and that's no good in a 2 month old baby.

So, I've tentatively concluded that Jonas is fussy because he is hungry, and I am going on the same medication (Domperidone) I took with Levi to produce more milk. At least production seems to be the only problem this time, unlike the whole host of issues I had the first time around, and the medication is a safe and easy fix for that. But it's still a blow to my self-esteem that once again*, my body doesn't seem to want to do what it's supposed to in regard to something baby-related. *sigh* At least I can grow 'em cute, right?

*(subfertility - I'm able to get pregnant, but it takes longer than most and I've had two miscarriages, one at 12 weeks and one very early; my first pregnancy was relatively easy other than horrendous reflux, but my second had even worse horrendous reflux, morning sickness, extreme fatigue, round ligament pain, and a whole lot of general uncomfortable-ness; my "easy" labor was 21 hours, and my hard one (oddly enough, with Jonas, not Levi) was 40 hours of complete misery; my body did not heal properly after either birth, requiring minor surgical procedures and months of pain/discomfort; my breasts were not shaped properly for Levi to latch on when he was first born and required nipple shields, which started a domino effect of other problems that lasted until 6 months, and now I'm not making enough milk for my second baby even though nursing has otherwise been ok.)

*whine*

I have a huge sore on the inside of my lip (must have bitten it in my sleep or something, because I have NO idea where it came from) and the point of my eye tooth jabs it every time I open my mouth. Ouchie. (You can thank me later for sparing you and not posting pics of it. It ain't pretty.)

Bittersweet Mother's Day

I'll come right out and say it: I hate Mother's Day. Today is actually my 5th Mother's Day, even though Levi is not quite three. In April 2005, after 10 months of trying to conceive, I found out I was pregnant for the first time. We celebrated Mother's Day soon after, and were very excited about our baby. Then, at the end of June, our world came crashing down when we learned that our baby was not to be. All the hopes and dreams we had of what our child's personality would be like, what she (I felt very strongly from the start that it was a girl) would look like, what she would grow up to be were gone. We were devastated. I was able to get pregnant again fairly quickly, and was 31 weeks pregnant by Mother's Day 2006, but it still stung that my baby, who would have been 4 months old then, was not there with me.

Mother's Day is also a painful reminder to me of the loss of my own mother. She died of cancer 9 years ago this summer. Mother's Day was never a huge deal for my family (and Mom was ok with that), but we did get Mom some kind of gift every year. The last Mother's Day she was alive was in 2000, and we knew it would be a miracle if she was still alive for Mother's Day the next year. She was making plans to change over to hospice care at home so she could live out the rest of her days there. Like I said, Mother's Day was never a very elaborate thing for our family, but I still carry some guilt that I didn't do better for that last one we had with Mom. I would love to be able to tell her one more time how much we loved and appreciated her. And that's all I want from my kids when they are older.

I now have my two boys to be thankful for on Mother's Day, but I think it will always bring some sadness too. So, anyway, to anyone out there that has a hard time on Mother's Day because of their own longing to be a mother or because of the loss of their mother, I know how much it hurts and I'm praying for you.