Sunday, May 10, 2009

Bittersweet Mother's Day

I'll come right out and say it: I hate Mother's Day. Today is actually my 5th Mother's Day, even though Levi is not quite three. In April 2005, after 10 months of trying to conceive, I found out I was pregnant for the first time. We celebrated Mother's Day soon after, and were very excited about our baby. Then, at the end of June, our world came crashing down when we learned that our baby was not to be. All the hopes and dreams we had of what our child's personality would be like, what she (I felt very strongly from the start that it was a girl) would look like, what she would grow up to be were gone. We were devastated. I was able to get pregnant again fairly quickly, and was 31 weeks pregnant by Mother's Day 2006, but it still stung that my baby, who would have been 4 months old then, was not there with me.

Mother's Day is also a painful reminder to me of the loss of my own mother. She died of cancer 9 years ago this summer. Mother's Day was never a huge deal for my family (and Mom was ok with that), but we did get Mom some kind of gift every year. The last Mother's Day she was alive was in 2000, and we knew it would be a miracle if she was still alive for Mother's Day the next year. She was making plans to change over to hospice care at home so she could live out the rest of her days there. Like I said, Mother's Day was never a very elaborate thing for our family, but I still carry some guilt that I didn't do better for that last one we had with Mom. I would love to be able to tell her one more time how much we loved and appreciated her. And that's all I want from my kids when they are older.

I now have my two boys to be thankful for on Mother's Day, but I think it will always bring some sadness too. So, anyway, to anyone out there that has a hard time on Mother's Day because of their own longing to be a mother or because of the loss of their mother, I know how much it hurts and I'm praying for you.

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